Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am available for nakedness
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
