There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
