i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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