So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
