I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
