they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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