"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
