Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
