me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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