So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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