Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
