Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
