If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
