she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
