i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
