i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize