babies were throwing up all over the place
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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