I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
