im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
