Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
