I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
