i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
