So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
