how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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