oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
