I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize