Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
