when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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