What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
