So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
