I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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