bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
