So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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