Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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