I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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