Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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