Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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