Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
