My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
