You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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