I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
