If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
