I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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