Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
