woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
