Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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