God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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