I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Your cock deserves a montage
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
