I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
