I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
