I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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