i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
