Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
