This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
