wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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