How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
